Last night, as I lay in bed reading a book, I was overcome with a vivid memory of The Ex. In the memory, I was laying in the exact place that I was at the current moment, and The Ex was beside me. We had just gotten in a silly fight, like the ones we always had. Like the ones that ended our three and a half year relationship.
In the memory, I rolled over to cuddle him, and buried my head in his shoulder. He hugged me tightly back. In that moment, I remember feeling a sense of relief wash over my entire body. I didn't have to say a word. I knew we would be okay. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world that I could continuously push his buttons, and still manage to have him love me anyway.
Imagine my shock, at the one day that relief didn't come. The day that when I tried to cuddle him, he pushed me away. The day that my tears didn't affect him one bit. The day he said the words, "I'm done." The day that my, "I love you" didn't even even resonate in his mind. The day his blank stare back at me told me he didn't love me anymore.
I haven't even thought about him for awhile. I haven't spoken to him since the day he ended things. All the time he was home over break, I didn't even think of him. Then last night, as I innocently read before bed, I'm smacked with memories of our relationship. It was enough to shed a few tears. It was enough to make me miss him a little more. It was enough to make me wish things had happened differently.
But it wasn't enough to change his mind, because I know as much I I'm thinking and dreaming about him, he was already mentally long gone before he even said goodbye. And now along with mentally checking out, he is physically gone, and he isn't coming back.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
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32 comments:
For a while after my ex broke up with me I'd have nightmares of the moment where my world came crashing down, when he said it was over. Being in love with someone and trusting someone with my heart is hard for me to do. My most recent ex is the first person I was able to completely love. I was completely in it and everything he said made me believe that he was too. I was completely caught off guard when he broke up with me. For a while I only remembered the good and forgot about how dysfunctional our relationship actually was. Looking back now I can see the signs it was ending. When I was in love, I was delusional.
It took me months to pull myself back together, but time heals all wounds.
Be strong, girl.
Im sorry Jess, you'll be okay, it's just one of those times..sometimes i think about my ex(es) too and it's enough to make me weep..all the time, in a snap. hang in there.xx
Awww, sweetie! If I were nearby i'd come running over and give you a BIG HUG! no make that a lot of them! Stupid Boys!
I do admit I have the same thoughts when I lie in bed- especially at night when I go to sleep- sometimes out of habit I'll leave space for him in the bed and realize he wont be sleeping next to me ever again- believe me its enough to make me cry for a long time.
But, you have been incredibly strong and I'm happy to know you! You are amazing and wonderful and he's an idiot for not knowing how good he had it. There is someone out there who will meet you and never want to let you go! You rock! *Hugs*
All I remember is getting in my car and speeding away into the distance!
He was a punk! He had to drink his way to gain confidence to break up with me! Even after 4 years of I Love You's.
I cried for months at a time and now, basically 2 years later, I'm whole again. It takes time. I still miss him but then I don't.
He was a big part of your life so he will pop in and out of your mind.
You really didn't think about him even once over the break? How is that even possible?
I guess the only difference between your situation and mine is that Mine checked out, and then came crawling back. And I don't know what choice is the better one to make. I WANT to be with him, but I don't think he deserves it and I am afraid of being hurt again.
I think you have it easier, lady. I wish I were in your shoes.
The Big Ex and I dated for 18 months, 80% of which was spent in different states. After a four month deployment, he came back a different man. I felt all the letters of missing me and not being able to wait to see me were fictional.
It's been almost three years since we broke up and I still think about him occasionally. Now, a girl that was supposed to be my friend, is engaged to him and it hurts because part of me feels that she's living the life I was supposed to. I'm in a wonderful relationship now and realize that current Boyfriend and I have something the Big Ex and I never came close to having, and that's special.
You'll cry. You'll cuss. You'll wish you were dead. You'll wish he was dead. But you'll heal. Promise.
PS Thanks for all your feedback on my blog and for being an avid reader! :) I appreciate it.
Blech. That's some tough stuff. If it makes you feel better, I had a dream about 'The Heartbreaker' the other night. We were on a train and then we got married... Just like I had hoped. The dream was effing awesome until I woke up. Then it sucked.
What I'm trying to say is: I feel you.
Ugh, this post makes my heart hurt. I was in such a similar place recently. I have never thought, "I wish I were 10 again" as often as I have this last year. I think we're subconciously always dealing with these types of things. We may not know they're on our mind... but they're lurking in there somewhere just waiting to turn on our waterworks.
Oh my goodness - that makes my stomach do a flip. I can totalllly relate to that :( I get this sickly feeling that sweeps over my body when I think of one particular person in my life - and I wish so badly that I didn't have that. Hang in there... sometimes tears bring relief! Not always a bad thing. *Hugs*
I get chills reading that - it hit so close to home. You are good with the pen(keyboard)!
Oh I feel you, that same feeling of 'Why is it different this time' was the question I couldnt answer, and still cant a year later....Oh my!
On a lighter note I have decided to pass an award on to you visit my blog to claim it, because you girl deserve it!!
It's so funny...I hardly ever think of Alabama anymore.
But the other day I used Big Sexy Hair Shampoo and the smell immediately reminded me of him.
I couldn't figure out why? But then I realized I started using that shampoo around the same time I met him and most of our relationship & I guess it reminded me of that time together.
Funny how the simipliest things can bring you right back, huh?
I think your post, and your journey is something a lot of women would benefit from post-break-up.
There will be times that we ALL miss something about our ex.. big or small. Despite being in an awesome relationship, there are things I still miss from my most-important ex.
However, none of them a great enough to go back. :)
You're doing well!!!
Yeah I hate memory triggers like that. A song, a shirt, parts of your house - it's a bummer. But you're doing good!! You're strong and the fact that you can write about it shows that your healing.
As much as I hate to say this, I don't know if these memories will ever go away.
It's been 3 years since my boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up. I still think about these things.
But I guess it's crazy to think tht someone who was such a big part of our life will ever disappear, as much as we'd like them too.
These relationships taught us what we want, and what we certainly don't want. Thus, we'll be ready for Prince Charming on the white horse!
I know those feelings! Whenever someone is gone, whether gone forever or just for a little bit, they come and go..
I've been having so many of these memories lately. A lot of the sadness I've been feeling the past few days is because I miss my ex. Last night I even had a dream about him. He wouldn't give me a hug because his new whatever-she-is was watching. Ughh stupid break-ups and the torture they cause us!
Those nights are hard. It's strange the moments when they pop out of nowhere. To this day, I still dream about my ex far more often than I would like.
Life is interesting and one day we'll understand the whole story. For now, we just keep reading - figuring out a chapter at a time.
It'll all be okay. I will hear a song or see a picture of my ex and a wave of emotion still hits me....You're not alone.
This entry resonated with me. Back when I was with my JB (Jersey Boy), and things were going bad, I often had these memories or even vivid dreams of moments when we were GOOD. When he was holding me and I felt safe. When we had gone down to the Jersey Shore to see the stars. And for a minute things feel alright, until I realized that it just wasn't like that anymore.
The pain of heartbreak, of realizing that the person you loved and trusted with your heart is breaking it, is the worst pain I think. It gets right to the core of you and rips you apart. You're coming a long way but those moments will come sometimes. I dated my highschool sweetheart for 2 years, thought I was gonna marry him. It took me a long time to forget the painful hurt I had after he broke my heart.
hi there. just stumbled upon your site! cute blog header!!
Ugh, not fun. I guess it's unavoidable for a little while though. Sometimes crying is good therapy though - I hope you feel better now.
I dream about 1 of my exes a lot... I think because even though I broke up with him, a lot of things were unfinished or unsaid.
Girl, I so know the feeling. I have definitely put a block in my brain about the ex, but I know someday, I will have to confront all those feelings. It sucks too because I feel like there will never be closure, especially since he's now engaged. So soon. Ugh, I need to stop writing so this thought will go away!
Heartbreaking. I'm sorry, and have totally been there. But times cures all and I found someone SO much better, which I truly didn't think was possible. I did go through a lot of nights like this though...take care of yourself & have faith!
Despite being over my ex I still get smacked with these moments every once in a while. I try to not let them floor me and thats the only advice I can give you.
Hey missy! I gave you an award :)
come over and check it out!
I know how this goes, girl, and the memories always hit at the most random moments. Especially the ones you aren't suspecting to remember things.
Sometimes, I still think about my ex. The ex who put me through utter hell. And I can laugh now. But it's taken a lot of time to get to that point. *hugs*
i know what you mean and i am still there somewhat right now but i just try to shake my head or play a song and force myself to not think about it because, well, it hurts lol
Hugs and I hope some day you will have that same dream, roll over to find the most sexy loving "right for you in every way man" and sigh a huge sigh of relief that it was him and NOT your Ex. I had that dream and waking up never felt so good!
Jess,
I really admire your strength and the way you've handled the situation. Learning to stand on your own two feet is a hard lesson (especially post break-up) but one that will serve you will in the future.
Hang in there <3
Aw man, sorry to hear you had to experience this. I myself went through something similar yesterday. I went on a bike ride and stopped by a shop to pick up a shirt for Valentine's day and a pair of cheap work pants for my part time job. The store is near the area where I used to work, and my Ex still does. It was also around 5:30, and he always got off between 5 and 6. It was hard to be there again, but it is what it is. Since you guys were together so long, you'll probably still have these moments. I do, and it will be a year in June. It just takes more time, and they happen few and far between. Truth is, he probably does miss you and think of you often, but being the coward he clearly is....I doubt he'd admit it.
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